Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
