I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
