he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
