ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i love accidental penises.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
