I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
