apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
