In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
