I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
