i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
