did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
