I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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