you turned your livingroom into a bong?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
