he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
