You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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