if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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