What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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