I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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