mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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