and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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