I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Are my feet made of real feet?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
