so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize