Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
