I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
