I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
