I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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