I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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