its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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