u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
