Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
