he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
