Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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