My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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