it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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