dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
