sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize