She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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