She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's blow job season.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
