Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
