where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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