3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize