I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
