the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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