The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
