i wish starbucks made bloody marys
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
