Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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