I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
