Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
