I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
