last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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