Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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