I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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