having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
