Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
