I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I touched a dick in church today
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
