I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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