Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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