So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i would punch a child for taco bell
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
