The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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