I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
